When they placed my son on my chest at the hospital the first thing I felt was baby balls. We didn’t know if we were having a boy or a girl, so this was a big deal. I screamed, “Is it a boy?!” Despite knowing full well, intrinsically, for the duration of my pregnancy, I was carrying a little dude.
My life as a Boy Mom began then, as previously I was clinging to the delusion that I might have been carrying a girl. The only things I know about the world are through a woman’s eyes - how am I supposed to raise this little man to be decent? Help him be in touch with his feelings so he isn’t cold as ice? Help him to be the most successful version of himself despite the pressures placed on males and stereotypical male-ness?
All I know about being a boy is what I see/have seen from those around me in their day-to-day - classmates, my father, ex/boyfriends, friends, my brother etc. Needless to say, I have a lot of learning to do to raise someone with empathy and compassion.
At Least We Gals can Read About the Male Experience
Luckily for me (for us?), novels exist because I have met some really wonderful male characters in books I’ve read over the last few years. This has helped me to understand the male experience in different aspects and various points of view. Below are four recommendations on books with strong male characters that left an impact on me and left me thinking years after I finished the book. I hope this helps some other boy moms out there.
Book Suggestions
A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara - I had to take a break from this book; it was tough to get through at certain points. Following four (male) friends, the character Jude is so touching and emotional while also being out of touch with his emotions and carrying an incredible amount of trauma. The story paints a beautiful portrait of male turmoil and emotions, as well as complex emotions that often aren’t associated with males. The male friendships in this book really spoke to me as well.
Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver - In my humble opinion, this Pulitzer Prize-winning book does an excellent job of highlighting the loneliness that the white male can experience in life. A major theme is the quest for belonging and identity: Demon has no one - his mother dies of an overdose, his father drowned before Demon could know him. We all know the struggle of fitting in to some extent, but this sheds light on the lack of parental relationships and coming-of-age struggles for a young boy in Appalachia who ultimately gets mixed up in the opioid epidemic.
Shuggie Bain by Douglas Stuart - This book hurt me, especially looking back now as a Boy Mom. It is a story about a mother and her descent into addiction and her sweet son, Shuggie. Again, we have a lonely boy who is queer and is left by his siblings, as the youngest child, to deal with his drunk mother on his own. It breaks my heart, and I am literally welling up thinking about it.
All the Colors of the Dark by Chris Whitaker - Let me preface this by saying, I am only 250 pages into this book, but it fits. Once again, we have a young boy whose mother is an alcoholic, and he is also missing an eye; thus, his name is Patch. He leads a tough life from the jump, and he gets abducted after a valiant effort to save a female classmate from being taken. Once he is returned home, his mother’s addiction has gotten worse, and he has to cover for his mom to make payments to keep a roof over their heads, all while looking for the girl he was imprisoned with. Again, similar themes to the others, but this seems to be more mission-driven. TBD on how it will all shake out, but I do feel it belongs on this list.
If you are a boy mom or want to understand the male struggle better, read these. If you are pregnant with a baby boy in your belly, I would either wait a year or read these before you’re baby comes and you’re postpartum.
Lastly, including a non-fiction book here that I’m still trying to get through:
To Raise a Boy: Classrooms, Locker Rooms, Bedrooms, and the Hidden Struggles of American Boyhood by Emma Brown - This is written by another boy mom and utilizes interviews, surveys, and data to dive into the struggles of being a boy in America. This is a great read, and I encourage every boy mom to read it. I will say, the first chapter does a great job of upsetting the reader, so props to anyone who makes it through that. Take what you need and leave the rest - I’m reading it with a highlighter in hand.
Mini-Take: Boy Babies are Harder than Girls
I am writing this as just a boy mom - no girl in sight. Let me preface this by saying that my baby experience is minimal outside of this past year with my son, it is laughable, but I have a formed opinion on this topic nonetheless. In addition, allow me to say I am aware every baby is different, and there are, of course, exceptions; I’m not that thick!
In speaking to my own parents, I was easier than my brother. The same goes for a couple of my friends’ parents, and we were the elder children in the dynamic, so the shock of the first baby apparently stood no test to the challenge of a (second-born) baby boy. I also don’t hear great feedback from my friends who have both, but again, there are exceptions to the rule.
So why, exactly, are baby boys harder to deal with than baby girls? I believe it may come down to temperament and risk tolerance. Some of this may be tied to gender stereotypes, but there is something to be said for the difference between the way a boy or man, girl or woman behaves that comes down to the brain. Babies do experience this.
As we know, the male brain develops more slowly than the female brain, and this makes baby boys more reactive than baby girls. The stress response in the two genders is also different, with boys having less regulation, making them more reactive to environmental stressors and negatively perceived things. As you can imagine, these differences result in a higher need for co-regulation by a mother or parental figure to help them feel safe and/or secure.
I am paraphrasing what I found from the two articles below (both of which cite the studies they pulled the information from). I highly suggest you take a look if you are interested in learning more about this topic specifically
This is why they feel much more of a handful at this age!
What really riles me up is when I bring this up in public, with family or friends, people tell me “well, girls when they are teenagers…” as if I have never experienced being a teen girl myself.
ADULTS AND PARENTS LISTEN TO MY PSA - these things teen girls experience: the emotional swings, the tears, boys feel it too.
I guarantee they don’t feel comfortable expressing this, and they remain despondent. Which is worse? Why are teen girls emotions so problematic, taboo, and annoying to adults? Don’t you ever feel angst as an adult? I sure do! Let me know your thoughts on this in the comments.
I hate when this comparison is drawn, and I do not want anyone to bring it up to me again. There is science behind my theory. I rest my case, moving on.
So…How Can We Cope with Baby Boy's Needs?
My main goal is to raise a boy who is emotionally stable and confident in expressing how he feels. This means I need to respect his emotions and help him regulate them during these first few years.
My partner fears raising a “soft” boy and thinks we dote on him too much, BUT this is what he needs at this point in his life. I want him to know he can count on us to hear him express himself in an unbiased way, and that starts before we even think he is aware of it.
In fact, I think my child expressing his diverse emotions is an indication that we are doing a good job helping him feel like he can rely on us for emotional support, even if the whining and crying feels like absolute punishment built for me specifically.
I try to look at it like he is letting me know he needs me and needs comfort when I feel like I want to scream myself or, at the advice of my naturopath, I try singing or humming to calm my vagus nerve, and (hopefully) calm him too.
Please feel free to share any tips you all have on how you deal with your emotional pingpong balls below.
Other Substack Musings on Raising Boys
Believe it or not, this seems to be a whitespace in the Substack universe. It may be I wasn’t using the right tags to search, but there is not much writing on raising boys on Substack. Below, I have outlined what I found:
Boys Don’t Cry by Muhsinah M. This is a creative piece that dives into the boys don’t cry stereotype.
In Defense of the Mama’s Boy by Daphne Delvaux, Esq. Loved reading this, and it really resonates with how I feel as a boy mom.
Your Son’s World is Harder Than You Think by Anthony B. Bradley (paid read). While I’m not a paid subscriber, I have a feeling this contains some of the research Emma Brown used in To Raise a Boy, and probably hits on the problems boys face that are often glossed over or dismissed.
Thank you for reading this week! Please let me know your thoughts about these perspectives, and click the heart if you liked this article. Please subscribe if you want updates straight to your email, or the Substack app!